Humans are creatures of habit. Habits can serve us. Habits can destroy us. Learning to create constructive habits is an important skill if you seek to create contentment in your life.
Habits are ingrained patterns of thinking, feeling, and doing. While habits begin through the act of repetition, often intentionally done, they are eventually handed over to the subconscious mind (also called the unconscious or automatic mind) to manage. This process benefits us in many ways. We have automated the processes of walking, brushing our teeth, and talking, so we do not need to consciously remember how to do these over and over again. Unfortunately, we have automated many habits that are detrimental to our well-being and success: procrastination, laziness, substance abuse, overeating, a host of negative mindsets (negativity, anger, anxiety, depression), among others.
Habits develop as you learn to navigate a complex world. Much of this learning is based on what others tell you—friends, enemies, family, teachers, churches, media. You may have, intentionally or unintentionally, learned some maladaptive habits from others that do not benefit you. Even when habits do not serve you, they may provide a soothing sense of comfort, predictability, and stability. This is why habits can be hard to change.
Habits are harmful when they prevent you from functioning effectively in the world, cause you physical and emotional pain, or prevent you from creating the desired change. Your resistance to change is often rooted in various psychological defense mechanisms (repression, denial, acting out, passive-aggression, among numerous others), which are intended to keep you safe from harm—even if it costs you happiness or success. Many people stick with predictable habits because they fear change (e.g., fear of failure, fear of rejection, etc.) or do not how to bring about the desired change.
Without knowledge of how the conscious and subconscious minds work, attempts toward change may have led to failure. Changing habits requires consistent and intentional effort to redirect your conscious mind in the desired manner. Such efforts will, in time, carve out new neural pathways in the subconscious mind. This will allow you to perform the habit automatically, with little or no effort. All you have to do is get to the threshold where the new pattern becomes automatic.
The topic of habits is a complex topic. Therapy, and in some cases coaching, may help you attain maximum benefit, especially for deep-seated habits. When you consider the potential rewards of making the desired change, it may well be worth the time, energy, and money to consult a specialist to help you reach your habit goals.
If you choose to make changes on your own, here are some suggestions:
First, to produce a new habit, you must have some awareness of your current undesirable habit. Understanding how, when, and why the habit started and perpetuated will give you more self-awareness about the issue and its self-sabotaging effects (e.g., failures, damaged relationships, diminished self-esteem, victimhood, feeling of unworthiness, self-hatred, etc.).
You can gain awareness about your habit if you meditate, journal, or some other method of self-exploration. Quieting the mind helps to get in tune with your inner dialogue. Learning to be completely open and honest with yourself is the only means of creating constructive and sustainable change.
Second, once you have some awareness about the causes and effects of your undesirable habit, a clear goal for the new desirable pattern can be set. New habits are created through thoughts, feelings, and actions that are consistent with the new goal. Such practices can be reinforced through constructive affirmations and visualizations. The way to make effective change is to strengthen the neural pathways of the desired habit (moving from conscious effort to subconscious/automatic habit) while decreasing the pathways of the undesirable habit (from subconscious/automatic habit to conscious redirect).
Try to keep your new habit goal realistic and start with small, manageable steps. If you desire to get a better job, you may need to go back to school. If it has been a while, maybe take a course or two and build up gradually. If you are trying to lose weight, do not try to revamp your whole eating pattern while starting vigorous daily exercise. Instead, maybe cut out some sugar and start walking a mile a day; increase your efforts gradually. Make the change as fun as possible—like taking a course with a friend or walking with a supportive group. This will boost your positivity and motivation to create permanent change.
Resistance will occur in the form of temptations for old habits; this usually occurs through certain triggers (e.g., a bad day at work, fight with a spouse, sleep deprivation, exposure to addictive product). The voices of the old habit will tell you that one piece of the pie, just one cigarette, or one late assignment will not hurt you. You know these are lies, but you want to believe they are true. Try to cling to the vision of your desired goal rather than the vision of your past habit. You may need to go back to the first step and gain some self-awareness about what is going on inside you so that you can stay on course. However, do not mentally linger in what is not wanted for too long as this may increase temptation. If temptation is bothering you, try to distract yourself with a constructive activity. In time, the old voices will lose their strength.
Even after the new habit is established, relapse is always possible. However, the new neural pathways make it easier to get back on track. The old habits will always remain lodged in your brain, so efforts to banish them usually just bring them back to life. Instead of trying to eliminate the old habit from your thoughts, use your energy to reinforce the new habit. If you do fall back on an old pattern, refuse to think you are destined to be stuck forever. Some habits are just more ingrained than others, but any habit can be changed.
Change may not be easy; be patient and loving to yourself. Through directed efforts, you will come to realize greater success and happiness. You will also come to know that you can do anything you put your mind to.